fractalfreckle

I have finally decided to be transparent on this blog, about my mental health- specifically about being bipolar. I have bipolar II, which is the “less severe” version. He’s a cool infographic about it:

Bipolar II is also categorized by the fact it’s mostly depression. And yeah. I’ve been depressed for, hooray, 10 years now. I think that makes it chronic?

For me mania is a gift and a curse, if I can hone it I’m able to coexist with it. Usually I’ll just get very excited. I can feel a switch flip in my brain where suddenly I’ll see/hear something (there’s always a trigger, and it’s always unexpected which sucks. I can’t choose when it happens.) and then I’m just flying off the handle. If I get too up, I start doing dangerous things. Like meeting with strangers in person to talk about business ventures I had just come up with that same day (yes I did that) and spending hundreds of dollars on a whim that make it so I can’t pay rent (did that more often than I’d like to admit).

Depression is the worst part though. After I have a high, I have a crashing low. It’s like a weight is pressed on my shoulders, and something is gripping my chest with a vice, not letting go.

It gets bad. I’ve almost driven off the side of an overpass without my seat belt on, and this was only a couple months ago. I have taken all my pills at once before I even graduated high school. Both times though, I have survived, much to my relief when I’m stable, and my dismay when I wind up depressed yet again.

I’ve hurt everyone in my life because of my chronic illness. My partner and family have no choice but to foot the bill literally and figuratively for my actions. I know they tell me that they do it by choice, but I can’t get it through my head that I’m not the villain of my own story.

I try to be gentle with myself. It’s hard. But I hate the way I’m so pathetic, and maybe we’re getting into therapy territory, but I feel like a burden. But I KNOW that’s the depression talking. That’s the frustrating part- I’m horrifically aware of myself and my feelings, except for when I’m in extreme mania and can’t feel anything but my bones jittering.

Currently I know I’m in a mixed state. This is especially frustrating because in a single day I have been rapid cycling, every couple hours. I go from being so depressed I can’t move, to being okay, to hypomanic, then -like clockwork- absolutely plummeting back to the pit I found myself in to begin with.

I have been called “two faced” growing up a lot, and recently as well. I have lost all of my friends from high school because of my actions. I have one friend who sticks by me but she doesn’t know I even struggle with this. I’m scared to tell her. I’m worried she’ll leave too.

But back to being two faced, I also happen to be a Gemini. I don’t care if you believe in astrology or not. I just feel very connected to the constellation Gemini as well, since it’s two people- the twins- two sides of the same coin. I feel my own dichotomy very much. I feel it so deeply and I wanted to portray that in a piece of art, so I decided to sit down and draw.

I call it “I never asked for this”. It depicts a deer, an animal with great importance to me, who stepped into the road by its own will, and was killed. It makes up Gemini. Glean what you will from it, but it represents my struggle with being bipolar. You can imagine that it walked out on purpose and wanted to be hit, like depression, or you can imagine it was only trying to cross like mania, and died by the consequences of its actions. Either way it makes up Gemini.

I feel a bit better after writing this and drawing that. Creation is so fucking important. Keep creating despite it all, your life depends on it.