fractalfreckle

I think I spend time thinking about both the future and the past equally.

future

Sometimes my future thoughts are detrimental, and I think myself into a spiral of what I’m going to do with my life. I get scared of all the possibilities and anxious of what opportunities I’m missing.

Other times though, I daydream about the future in a positive way. I think of how many people I’m going to meet and all the experiences I’m going to have throughout my life, and I’m excited!

The fact that I haven’t met all the people I’ll grow to love in my lifetime yet is really exciting and I look forward to it all the time.

I think once I figure out my career, I’ll stop thinking about the future in this scary, daunting way.

past

The past is something I try to look back on and grow from.

I know when I was in high school I was incredibly vain and looks-oriented… I literally passed on adopting a cat who loved me simply because the color of his fur was too close to a cat I already had, and I wanted something new and different. I beat myself up for that, because it was an awful thing to do, and incredibly shallow. I’m glad that cat got adopted to a good home, but I wonder what could have been.

If you knew me in high school or just scroll down on my instagram, you’ll see I used to be very thin and conventionally attractive. I put my looks on such a high pedestal and thought I wasn’t worthy of love if I was “ugly”. I thought of others as “ugly” when they were perfect on their own.

When I got fat, at first I thought it was the end of the world. It took a few years of living in my fat body that I accepted myself, and realized that my vessel has nothing to do with what’s on the inside… and I need to work on what matters most.

The best I can do for myself, other people, and for that cat, is change as a person. Now, I love myself and others for who they are without regard for what they or I look like.